


Where?

by connorssock



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath of Failed Suicide, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Perkins Redemption, Suicide Attempt, gavin centric, gavin whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22228534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorssock/pseuds/connorssock
Summary: Where do you go the day after you tried to end your life? Gavin went to work.
Relationships: Richard Perkins/Gavin Reed
Comments: 3
Kudos: 122





	Where?

With so many years on the force and enough time spent on homicide, Gavin had seen enough death to know a thing or two about it. He had even attended enough suicides to know the ins and outs, what affected people most. So in a way, he was one of the most qualified to decide how to end his life with the least amount of impact on those who found him and had to attend the scene. With everything he knew, Gavin took a little while to plan and get everything into order.

Everything at work was as tidied up as possible. No loose ends, Nines could pick up the cases by himself anyway. Gavin was only slowing him down, his human brain and human limitations holding up cases and just being a general ass to be around. Though, in the last week, since he’d made his plans, Gavin liked to think he had been a bit better. There was no need to constantly compete, to prove his worth because he finally accepted that he had none. And that was okay too.

As planned, everything was in order and Gavin could finally rest. He tidied up the house a little, took out the trash. It was likely going to be at least a few days if not more before anyone came looking for him. He’d even had the foresight to leave his front door unlocked, a note and a box of chocolates on the table for whoever came looking. Writing that note had been difficult, the apology not coming easy. Gavin had spent a night hunched over the table, trying to make the words come. It was the only note he wrote, there was nobody else he had to say goodbye to, nobody who would miss him. Idly, Gavin wondered whether anyone would bother arranging, let alone turning up for his funeral. Maybe the precinct would have an announcement and most people would breathe a sigh of relief at not having to work with him again.

Once everything was done and put into place, Gavin walked through his house one final time and sat on the edge of his bed. The stockpile of pills were all carefully worked out, he was confident it was enough that he could just take them, lie down and go to sleep. So that was what he did.

What Gavin didn’t expect was for alarm to wake him the next morning. He groaned and cursed, head pounding and feeling like utter crap in general. It took him a moment to sit up, turn the shrill noise off and just take in the world. He’d woken up. Shit.

There was nothing left to do really other than get ready for the day. Gavin cleared away the boxes from his bedside table. He tossed his note in the bin and brushed his teeth to clean away the awful taste in his mouth. Despite his head pounding, Gavin didn’t think taking anything for it was a good idea. The last thing he needed was to be sick.

At a loss, he looked around the apartment he had never expected to see again. Nothing about it had changed, it was still the same dump as before. Only, now it held the ghosts of yet another failure. As if slowing down investigations and being generally despised wasn’t enough, he had to go and fuck up his own suicide. A homicide detective who couldn’t even kill himself properly. It was pathetic. Gavin was pathetic.

There was nothing left to do but get himself ready for work, take the box of chocolates and dump them in the break room. At least everyone else should get a smile out of his failings. Gavin sullenly went about his morning routine and trudged to work.

It wasn’t possible to tell what was worse. The prospect that nobody realised what he had tried to do the previous night, or that people realised but they didn’t care enough to say anything. There was no denying it, Gavin looked like death warmed up, skin sallow and grey, dark bags under his eyes. He hadn’t even bothered getting in the shower that morning. His clothes were the ones he had put on to die in. Rather than be buried in them, they were just sleep rumpled and made him look like the mess he felt.

Opposite him, Nines was working away on some report or other, hand white as he interfaced with his computer. In sharp contrast, Gavin was clutching at his coffee cup with both hands as if his life depended on it. It was enough of an irony to almost have Gavin smile as bitter as the coffee in the cup. His mind was anywhere but his work. Despair filled him up the more he thought about the previous night. Gavin had been ready to die, he had tried but the cruelty of fate was such that he couldn’t even do that right. Couldn’t get put forward for the Sergeant’s exam, couldn’t get a case done without a super android to step in and help, couldn’t even focus on the work he was meant to be doing. And nobody noticed.

On some level, everything felt numb. Gavin stared at his computer blindly, wondering what the point of it all was. Whether he should even bother trying again. Knowing his competency, he would only mess up again and come in with bruises around his neck the next day. Not that anybody would bother asking if they even noticed anyway.

“Detective Reed, a word in private please.” The voice by his shoulder made Gavin jump and he turned to look up at Perkins who looked like his usual prim and prissy self.

Idly, Gavin wondered whether he was going to be pulled up for some wrongdoing of his. Maybe the FBI were pissed off after they took one of his cases and found that he’d fucked up the paperwork. Or maybe they were there to take another case from his already meager stas after Nines blitzed through them and made short work of ones that had him stumped for a while. Sullenly, Gavin got up and followed Perkins to a blacked out meeting room. That never boded well but he was beyond caring.

“Gavin, are you okay?”

The question was unexpected and Gavin took a step back to get some distance from it. Nobody ever asked him that, he didn’t think anyone ever cared. Worn down and tired beyond just the physical, Gavin sagged and shook his head.

“I don’t think so,” he finally admitted. If he’d had the energy, he might have cried but as it was, he stood in the meeting room, opposite someone he barely knew and stared at the floor.

“Tell me what happened.”

It wasn’t a question but nor was it an order. Gavin thought about refusing to answer but he had nothing left to lose so he blurted out “I tried to kill myself last night and couldn’t even do that properly.”

There were several things he expected. For Perkins to yell at him for being so stupid. To be asked to resign with immediate effect. Maybe even to be laughed at for being so incompetent. What Gavin didn’t expect was for a pair of arms to tug him closer, to wrap around him and just hold him.

“I’m so sorry things got so bad. But I’m not sorry you failed and woke up.” Perkins’ voice was pitched low and soothing. Suddenly Gavin could understand why he worked for the FBI because he wasn’t the irritating prick he tended to come across as. And to have anyone say they were glad that Gavin didn’t succeed was more than his heart could cope with.

The shaking started slowly, building up into a full on tremor as Gavin tried and failed once more, this time at keeping his emotions in check. The tears still didn’t come but they didn’t need to, his misery was visible for all to see even without them.

“I don’t think you should be at work today,” Perkins continued. “Let me make a few phone calls. Then you’re coming home with me.”

Dumbly, Gavin nodded. He didn’t bother listening in to Perkins’ conversations, too caught up in his own black bubble of misery. After who knew how long, a hand on his elbow pulled Gavin back into the present. They walked out of the precinct and nobody bothered giving them a second glance. Gavin sat in a car, knew they were moving but he didn’t know or care where they were headed. A house was in front of him, then they were inside. He was being told to take his layers off and offered warm, soft flannel pyjamas before being tucked into bed. Having someone take care of him, be in charge without making him feel like the world’s biggest failure was novel. A hand carded through his hair.

“What are you being so nice?” Gavin finally managed to ask. Tears were slowly threatening to spill.

“Because I’ve been where you are now,” Perkins replied with an easy shrug. “And it sucks. But you aren’t alone. We’ll get you through this.”

Now that Perkins mentioned it, Gavin could somehow see it. The hint of sadness that he carried in his eyes, the attitude that was all too familiar too. It gave Gavin hope that maybe, just maybe, he could push through too. Because he’d always through Perkins had it all together, enjoyed success in life all round. To hear that he had struggled like Gavin had before was curiously reassuring. He darted out a hand, wrapped it around Perkins’ wrist.

“Stay? Please?”

Wordlessly, Perkins slipped into the bed behind Gavin and gathered him close to his chest. His fingers carded through greasy hair without comment or disgust. Gavin sighed, the small contact a balm to his tagged soul as his mind wandered. Nobody at work had noticed anything was amiss. They’d all carried on as if Gavin looking like shit was the norm. That Gavin staring at his computer without really seeing it way okay. As long as cases got closed, Gavin was mostly ignored. And now, with Nines there to pick up the slack, Gavin mattered even less. Until Perkins had shown up and thrown him a scrap of human decency. He gave Gavin just a shred of something. Not hope, Gavin was beyond that. But a glimmer of kindness.

Exhausted, Gavin sank into a stupor. Not quite awake but not quite asleep either. He still wasn’t sure whether he wanted to live and was erring more on the side of preferably not. But with Perkins there as he was, Gavin thought that if he were to go to sleep and not wake up, he would be a little more content than if he had succeeded the night before.

**Author's Note:**

> Because I'm having a Perkins loving hour over here, this was written. Other ramblings on Tumblr - @connorssock.


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